I have put read at own risk as the title of this journal because of the content mentioned in this journal entry. This is something I've kept VERY private to me. And I am a little reluctant to write this out in the open, it is making me pretty vulnerable in terms of the topics I will mention. You are probably thinking why are you typing about it then? Well, it's in case there is someone else going through a similar thing, and if they wanted to talk about it. I know I would like to talk to someone about it.
I know it's quite common to have people that doubt their religions/faith at some point in their lives, or even several times. I have been brought up into a quite strict christian family on my dad's side, I've always been told the Christian rules (Do's and Don't's). I have always been a very strong believer, from about 2/3/4 to about 11/12 years old. I went to a Christian Primary School, we sung hymns, had vicars in and all sorts of other things. Went to church as a school (With all the years/grades in one church). I read bible stories a lot (In children's books) as I have never been a good reader. I never had any doubts in my mind about the faith I had been brought up into. Then I got to about 12/13 years old, was a year or two into an all girls secondary school, this secondary school was not a Christian one, so any girl from any background, religion and sexuality could attend this school. So religion was rarely talked about as there was SO many different ones in my secondary school.
Now I have always been VERY different to my dad and dad's family in one way. I am totally accepting of people with different religions, views and sexualities. It has never been a problem to me. I have friends who are bisexual and it doesn't bother me AT all in the slightest. I cherish my friends very much. And my personal view is that it's none of my business what personal choices they make. I will like them regardless. Honestly I do not judge people by their personal preferences. Never have. I will treat them like a normal person, I will be polite and friendly. People are often surprised when I say this to them, and then when I say my faith they are even more surprised. (Because of the stereotypes that go around about Christians). I actually get really annoyed when really ridged christians just WILL NOT accept anyone else unless they live by their faith and standards. It really winds me up.
When I was 12/13, I actually started to get a bit more involved in researching about Egyptian Mythology. And I loved it, it was a huge passion of mine. But I actually started liking them from just 10 years old. My dad was not happy at all about me being into Ancient Gods. And tried MANY times to put me off of it. Said I was doing the wrong thing studying them, even as just a hobby, and that God would be angry with me. And many, many more things. He even really disliked a lot of art at the time that showed the Egyptian Gods. I saw NOTHING wrong with it. I have always been a history lover, and to me it was just a part of history I really liked. He made me delete a few pictures I had saved of Anubis once on my computer because of what a certain one said. He didn't like that I was starting to write stories about them either. As I was a pretty creative child. One day he sat me down and expressed his concerns with my love for the Egyptian Gods. He asked me if I actually believed in them, as gods and goddesses, as idols. And I said no. Because I didn't believe in them. To me they were (Drawing and writing about them) my escape from school. I hated school. I was a nerd anyway, and it was just something that made me feel good. My dad asked several more times making sure I didn't believe in them. I said I didn't, but what was the problem if I made characters out of them. And he said to me that I would form attachments on my characters, thus attaching myself to the gods themselves and that is wrong, when I'm supposed to be of Christian Faith.
Eventually he got off my back about it, when he realised that I really at the time was not interested in making the Egyptian Gods my faith. (Becoming a Kemetic Pagan). And for a few years I created to my hearts content. And I was fine with just doing that. However, when I got to 13/14 I started doubting my faith a little, and the Egyptian Gods (My characters) were helping me through secondary school, which really was awful for me in terms of friends. My characters WERE my real friends. And yes I formed attachments to them. Did I believe in them as deities? No. I still didn't. But at one point during the age group of 13-14, I was considering changing my faith. I felt weirdly close to both faiths, Christianity and Kemetic Pagan. Both had helped me in times of trouble, great trouble, so I was very confused. But I knew I was very young to be making any of those sorts of decisions. And I fobbed the thoughts away. And just continued life as I was, trying to survive through school. Even though due to illnesses I was barely there really. And it's been like that until I got to…and I'm going to be honest…17-18 years of age.
Last year I was having a lot of confusion again. About what my faith was, and where my heart did truly lay. And I chose Christianity. But I never mention my faith to anyone anymore, I never talk about any of the Christian Faith. I guess when you've been brought up SO strictly into a faith, it is ALL you real know. And as you grow up, you discover things, you find new things, new people, new faiths, new sexualities, new everything. You explore. You want to know WHY those people believe in what they believe in, or love who they choose to love. I guess it's natural human instinct to know WHY. And from 17 to present age, I've been very confused on my faith, trying to seek comfort in whoever I deeply trusted at the time. Getting MIXED responses. I spoke to one Christian member of my family who was a bit more accepting of things than the rest of them, they had a gay best friend once. I explained how afraid I was about changing faith if I ever did, and how would I even BEGIN to tell the Christian Members of my family? And I was worried they would disown me and all sorts. She was understanding in someways, but like my Christian family, typical my way or high way on a lot of it. So I turned to the only other people I could trust, my mums side of the family. Why? Because most of them are either Atheists or Agnostics. Some of them are Christian. But not a lot of them. One of my family members on my dads side was hindu before she converted to Christianity. (My great grew grandma) She was from India, Sri Lanka I believe. My mum, who is Atheist, was absolutely fine about me changing faiths if I so desired. She said she didn't mind what I was, as long as I was happy. Part of the reason my mum and dad split was because he was Chrisitan and she was an Atheist and it just didn't work. My dad is quite controlling when it comes to religion. YOU MUST do this, or you HAVE to do that by the bible. And that sort of talk.
I'm not sure any of you can understand what I'm getting at really…But I guess I've been confused because the only faith I've ever been brought up to believe, in a VERY odd way, doesn't feel right. NOTHING feels right to me at the moment. No faith does. I don't know if that's because of my depression, or just because I'm finding out who it is I am as a person. I've tried turning to God, praying, asking for help and guidance. Apologising and MEANING it for the mistakes I have made, and the wrong I've done. Yet if I go near a church I feel uncomfortable, that's why I don't go...
Anyway…there is another part to this…I'll kept this as short as I can, sorry for all the text.
Sexuality. As a Christian, I have always been told I have to be 100% Straight, I can ONLY like men. That's been hammered into me pretty much from since I could read. Since I went to Primary School. Like I said I am very accepting of everyone else's views and sexualities, doesn't bother me one bit. I'm happy for them. I really am. Now, whenever I have actually got true friends, and there is not many, I love them. But I love them as friends. I cherish them as friends. But since it's very rare for me to make a true friend in real life, it feels very alien to me when I get these feelings of love and protection for a friend, or just a deep feeling of respect and happiness when that person is near me. Is it love as in a fancying love? No, no it's not. I can't imagine being in a sexual relationship with any of my friends at all. So…that settles the fact that as of right now, I don't think I'm lesbian. Am I bisexual then? Honestly, I have no idea. But I don't really see women in a sexual way. So I'm guessing no…Pansexual then? I think, and I may be wrong, that's where you don't really care for gender. No I'm not Pansexual. Then I thought…there is only really two things I can be, IF we are putting a "label" on it. Hetrosexual or Asexual. Allow me to explain =
In the past, I loved the thought of getting married, and having children. My Christian family have told me that is my DUTY as a woman. I marry the right man, have sex after marriage and I MUST have a child. And I must bring them up under the Christian Faith and all the other things, you know what I mean right? And I always loved children so much. Up until I was about 15. I started not enjoying little children's company as much. Started avoiding them if they were in the house. Then when I met my long distance boyfriend on here, my love for marriage and children GREATLY came back. I was so looking forwards to those things. I LOVED seeing babies when I was out, I got broody and just thought they were adorable for a while.
Then my depression comes along at age 18. This changes a lot of things. Honestly I think I was depressed at as early as 14, I just don't think it was EVER diagnosed. I've not been, feeling right since about 14. But at 18 the HUGE wave of depression hit me. It changed and altered my views on everything. And as I am battling it even now I have changed my views on things that once I was FORCED to believe differently. Now having this sort of "freedom" of being older, I'm exploring more. Wanting to find out who I AM, not live my life through and FOR someone else. Not living life by THEIR rules. But by MINE. And not being made to feel guilty if my views clash with theirs. Anyhow…carrying on…I think I like men, I think I always have, so I say I'm straight to everyone that asks. Because like I said, I have no interested in women in a sexual way.
but here's the other thing. From about 17/18. I have been completely against having children. I have become EVEN more awkward around them, I actually am afraid of them inside. I can't imagine ever having sex with anyone, let alone birthing a child. It completely terrifies me. To the point where I actually start having panic attacks just thinking about it. I wouldn't say I'm a very romantic person either. Not right now. Sometimes I am! Sometimes I'm not. I'd say it's a 50/50 thing. But a lot of time, especially lately, I have no desire whatsoever to have children, no desire to have sex, no desire to do other things. Marriage is a bit different, I would still love to get married.
With the right person, it may come to the fact that I would feel confident enough to have a baby with them. Knowing I have the support of a partner and my family. Well, most of my family. My dad is upset with me that I may not make him a grandfather. I've joked about it lots, but when he has serious talks with me, I am honest with him as to how I am feeling RIGHT THEN. And for the last year or two I've been unsure about childbearing and being a parent. I have always said I think I wouldn't be a good mum. Despite what everyone else says to me. Because of my mental health, and physical health. One no child deserves to have a sick unable mum, and 2 just because I think I'm a bit nuts haha. But when I talk to my mum about possibly not wanting children, she is absolutely fine about it. And said to just be happy with who I am…and what I am.
I won't say anymore because I'll just go in so deeply into this. PLEASE NO OFFENDED COMMENTS. This is just me expressing my views and what is going on in my head right now. I UNDERSTAND I don't need a label, I don't want a label. I don't want an answer either. Rude comments will be removed. I needed to write this down somewhere. And this is the only place I can write it without certain family members seeing it. Thank you for reading if you do
And sorry it's so much.