This is really becoming apparent to me right now. Everyone's lives, my families lives, my friends lives and acquaintances lives would become a lot, LOT better without me here.
All I do is get in their ways, my illnesses take over their lives as well as my own. They get angry with me and tell me I'm too much to deal with. That I should just swallow it and deal with it. I don't feel like I can tell anyone anything at all anymore. When I rant about personal things to certain trusted DA users I am told I AM the bad one, and the selfish one for ranting about the things I'm ranting about. They get fed up of me ranting about my illnesses, tell me to shut up, go away or stop moaning. And I'm starting to realise no one actually wants me around. I'm too much to deal with, to negative even though I try my absolute hardest to be positive.
If I could choose, I wouldn't have my two lung diseases, arthritis, this new heart problem, dyspraxia and my depression and anxiety. Do people really think I want these things? The only reason I talk about them so much is because I panic inside otherwise. It's a coping mechanism. When you have to live with so much pain and discomfort every day of your life…it gets too much sometimes…But if I could choose…I'd have none of it. My family could have such better lives without me in it. Without reminding me every 5 seconds to take medicines because my dyspraxia makes me forget, without have to comfort me all the time, check on me, get my wheelchair in and out of places, walk with me everywhere incase my illnesses take a turn for the worst. Stay with me when I have panic attacks and have self harm episodes…
I wish of course that people didn't have to be around me all the time. But sadly my two lung diseases are ones that get worse as the years go by. Resulting in permanent oxygen, a lung transplant and for quite a few sufferers, death. So if I have a good spell it's not for long at all. My depression makes me get very upset at anything people say to me. And I understand people getting fed up with me. But I honestly feel it'll be so much easier for everyone else if I wasn't around
Truly I stopped breathing LOADS when I was young, sometimes I wish sometimes God just took me. Instead of making me live through this life of pain. I've fallen out with so many people, had friends run away and never talk to me again, that's what happens the second they find out about my illnesses and how much my life is limited. Right now I'm really not sure how much more I can take this. I am having trouble with my step mum (In a previous journal) and problems with future choices on top of my illnesses. I am sorry for rambling but I really can't cope right now. The urge to self harm and do something worse is really strong right now. Stock · CSS